Monday, 13 June 2016

Super Guilt Of The Working Mum

Hello!!
Have any of you ever been struck with the super guilt? 

I have today really for the first time. I mean I've felt guilty before but today's is a whole new level!!

For a few years now I have had a touch of social anxiety. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I can talk about things I'm passionate about sure, but those things don't tend to be popular with everyone else. So I feel like when I talk to people they find me boring. 



My subject range:
Kids
Pregnancy
Birth
Animals
Disney
Work

I don't like people judging me and I tend to find that once in a conversation with people, they tend to cut me off and start their own stories. At which point I just shut up and go along with it.

Now this post is not a feel sorry for me post I have anxiety. So please don't take this as I'm looking for sympathy. I know my issues and I know what I need to work through. This is me just giving you background so I can get to the point of this rambling post.

Holly has her first nursery trip in a week’s time and every kid that goes needs to have an adult with them. Automatically I start sweating. What? You mean I need to go with her and either stand on my own as she runs off to play, or actually talk to other parents?! From 9am till 3pm!!! Oh jeez!!

So I asked my OH to go. He didn't need to take a holiday since he works back shift, he could go in late and we could swap at 3pm. But to start with someone else was off at his work, so he couldn't get it.

I wouldn't have her not going on her nursery trip. So I put in a holiday at my work but wasn't sure I'd get it, as this week I already have a day and a half off as I have different appointments to go to surgeon, midwife, dentist, vets etc...

Anyway I got it but I was still super uneasy about it and I think he could tell.

So he came in last night and told me he had managed to get it off to take her. Now my fist reaction was a flush of relief!! An I thanked him for being able to do it for me. Telling myself well he hardly ever takes holidays to look after her like during the summer (that's a whole other post). But I slept on it over night. An now I have super guilt.

I have super guilt for a few reasons.

The fact I felt so uneasy and worried about taking her out with others on her first nursery trip. Surly that's something a mother should do and be happy to do. Then there's the fact he had to bargain and do god knows what to be able to get the days off.

Then there's the fact this week she has her first sports day that once again, I can't attend. I have the half day Tuesday, full day Wednesday off and her sports day is 11 till 3 on the Thursday. So my OH is going in late that day so he can go watch her. I don't want her being the only kid there with no one to cheer her on!!  But surly I should be there for that as well. To see her first sports day, to cheer her on and get photos of her with her medal.

Half of me thinks well you work back shift and I work dayshift. So you should be doing stuff that needs done during the day. Specially if it means you can just go in a few hours late to me having to take a full day’s holiday. But then I think I'm her mum; I should be there for all this!!

The sports day has nothing to do with the anxiety. Just life planning and because of having to work!!

Have any of you had these issues??

Let me know in the comments below :)

Lx




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51 comments:

  1. Whilst I'm not a working mum I am right there with you on the anxiety thing. I'm exactly the same, I try and get out of doing things because I get all nervous, sweating, panicky. At the moment Clem is still young but I am dreading it as she gets older. I can also understand the guilt, I have an issue with talking on the phone and my partner ends up making all the calls. I always feel super guilty afterwards thinking I should just man up and make the call.
    As for the sports day, try not to feel so bad, there are plenty more to come. Why not take it in turns with who goes each year? #MarvMondays

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    1. Its so horrible. I am dreading the birthday parties!
      Lx

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  2. It is so hard balancing everything as a working Mum, I have always worked and have 6 kids. Thankfully from age 4 it was here at Coombe Mill so I could go to events like sports day, however I never have weekends free as these are our busiest days. I will say it is you who misses out not your children but I totally get the guilt thing. #MarvMondays

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    1. 6 kids!! Go you!! I have no idea how you do it!
      Lx

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  3. Totally! As a teacher Im expected to make small talk with parents- my nightmare! I'm getting better, finding it improves with practice but 9-3 with strangers and no confidence boosting wine sounds like a nightmare.

    #fartglitter

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    1. couldn't you have like some wine in a water bottle on your desk lol
      Lx

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  4. Its really tough being a working parent, you constantly feel like you have to negotiate and compromise what events you can and cant attend in your childrens life. I completely get it, and if there are two of you then it should be shared where it can. Of course it would be lovely for your to be there, but you have to do what you feel comfortable with. As long as one of you are there im sure shell be a happy little girl :-) Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Emily

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    1. She probably won't even notice. But its all in my head that I should be doing it.
      Lx

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  5. From reading your blog posts I wouldn't describe you ad boring. It is a shame you can't make your little girls sports day but if you're working then there's not much you can do. You can't be there dir everything and if hubby is going to the nursery day then don't worry. Try not to let the guilt get you to, mummy guilt can really drag you down if you let it.xx #Fartglitter

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    1. She was so happy with her medal. I don't think she even noticed my OH there haha. But Its just in my head that its something I should have been at. Fingers crossed for next year.
      Lx

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  6. Anxiety is horrid, I get it now and then and I think people who know what its like know how hard it really is. When anxiety gets to the point its effecting your life its even harder as your trying to get out of it.
    I don't know if this will help you but I started reading and watching youtube videos on mindset and it helped me so much. Victoia x

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    1. I will definitely take you up on the watching youtube :)
      Lx

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  7. I don't think you need to feel guilty. However, if you are really uncomfortable with your discomfort of interacting with strangers, that's something you can find help for! I'm glad that you're not letting it make your children miss out on activities; my mother had similar worries, but she made us all become hermits, which was terribly damaging to me, and extreme extrovert. Here from #TwinklyTuesday.

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    1. I won't let my issues effect Holly. I always have my OH who is amazing with my issues. But it something I'm going to be looking into.
      Lx

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  8. It can be so hard to balance Mom duties and work. Pick thethings that matter most to you and her and go to those and skip the others. Trust me they want you there but they understand it can't happen every time. There are plenty of kids who have no one there all the time! #DreamTeam

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    1. Well thats my issue. My parents were both working and I hardly ever had them there and it was horrible.
      Lx

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  9. It must be hard to even type these thoughts let alone have them swirling around and have to manage the practical challenge of navigating different work patterns.

    It is difficult and from our experience nurseries don't take account of these challenges and organise these events often at short notice.

    I don't have any answers and I'm certainly not going to judge. If you can't make an event are you able to reassure your daughter about it or do you know if she will mind?

    I know what you mean about the conversations but if you find it interesting than you won't be boring. It sounds like the people bulldozing you are being the bores. Conversation involves at least two people!

    #DreamTeam

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    1. TBH Holly probably doesn't even notice I'm not there!! but my parents were working parents and I remember when I hit primary and they could never be there for me. It was horrible. I now understand why, but as a kid you don't.
      Lx

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  10. Oh dear, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to be pulled in so many different directions... My heart really goes out to you for all of these emotions you are feeling. I don't work, so it's difficult for me to really understand, although I have felt mum guilt over other things-my children's terrible diet, my wish to sometimes have a day off from them etc!! However, I really can identify with social anxiety... I also suffer really badly with this too, much for the same reasons as you-if a group are talking about things I know and understand, I'm ok, but if it's something that's out of my comfort zone, I totally clam up, stumble over my words, and am generally just a social car crash! I constantly worry that people don't like me, and think I look awful. Really tough isn't it? And yes, I've also made excuses not to do things with the children if it's meant there's a threat of not knowing anyone, and huge amounts of worry about them not liking me!So don't worry, you're not alone... X
    #bigpinklink

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    1. its really good knowing I'm not alone. Everyone round about me seems to have these things sorted and are all so good at them!
      Lx

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  11. Oh it sounds really tough lovely. I think we all have mom guilt for different reasons. It comes with the territory & it can be very stressful sometimes as a result. We can only do the best we can & try to get comfort from that. We can't be everywhere or do everything Thanks so much for linking up with us at #BloggerClubUK x

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  12. Don't beat yourself up! I just wrote a whole post about letting go of mummy guilt if you want to read it here is the link. http://www.diaryofanimperfectmum.com/2016/06/why-im-letting-go-of-mummy-guilt.html?m=1 Everyone struggles with the work/life balance And who says mum Shoud always be there? Sometimes you just can't be there and will she remember when she's 18? Probably not! She'll just remember her mum worked hard! TY for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

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    1. Thanks! and I will be checking out your post
      Lx

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  13. Wow, 9am-3pm on a visit and then sports day? I sometimes think nurseries and schools forget that most parents have to work! It's great that you and your husband can work around that, but I wouldn't be able to take the time off (I'm a teacher). Mum guilt is part of being a mum... Whatever we do, it'll get us! #BloggerClubUK

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    1. thats only one week. The week after there is boosters in the middle of the day and then theres graduation lol its never ending this month.
      Lx

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  14. Hi Lisa, this is my first visit to your blog, but I totally get you! My life is full of 'Mother Guilt', I think it goes with the territory for some of us. I'm personally having a massive 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' dilemma, and it never goes away. Whether you're a working Mum or not, whether your kids are young or old. But it's great that you can talk about it, and great that there is so much support here for you. Keep fighting the good fight xx #KCACOLS

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    1. The support in the blogging community is amazing! It helps so much!
      Lx

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  15. I am incredibly lucky that I work from home now my daughter is in school but during nursery I faced all these issues and felt like I was constantly letting everyone down. It's really tough because even when you're working you not only have to book the time off but have to compete with other parents working for the day off if they have kids doing the same stuff too. It's so hard to find a balance!! #kcacols

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    1. Its really hard and I'm still working on it :)
      LX

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  16. Completely understand the super guilt. It's a sneaky sod that creeps up on us mothers and makes us feel rotten. I had it when I went back to work after a relatively short maternity leave and husband took shared parental leave - felt as if everyone was judging me (some were). Then after a few weeks I just thought 'eff it' and got on with it and I kicked the super guilt into touch. Because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that we were all doing our absolute best for our daughter, just as you are now x #KCACOLS

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  17. I remember when I was working full time I was wracked with super guilt ALL the time. It's so hard trying to make everything work and then not full prey to it. We can all just do the best we can - and agree with the comment above we can't be everything and everywhere! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

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  18. It can be a huge balancing act... if you take a day off to be there for one thing, no doubt something else will crop up and before you know it, all your holidays are gone. It is tricky, I completely agree.

    I think we have all felt a bit uneasy at times when it comes to social situations where you look around and don't really know anyone. I tend to throw myself in, and if I end up just standing there, then so be it. Throw that mummy guilt away!

    Thank you for linking up to the #DreamTeam

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    1. I will try :)
      Thanks for the advice
      Lx

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  19. Hi there, sorry I'm only just catching up on last week's #bigpinklink reading (terrible blogger, I know!) but I just want to say that I think no matter what we do, we will feel guilty. You might've gone on the trip and been worried all day that your daughter was picking up on your social anxiety. So don't beat yourself up too much :)

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  20. We all have mum guilt but I do understand where you are coming from. I try and make most things at school for my eldest but sometimes its just not possible for either myself or my husband to attend. Luckily I explain this to my son that we can't be there for everything and he understands and takes it in his stride. Doesn't stop the guilt though!

    Thank you for linking up to #KCACOLS and I hope to see you back again next week. x

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    1. I can't wait for holly to understand!!
      Lx

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  21. It's tough trying to balance everything. I feel the same as it that I worry about making small talk. Thanks for linking up to #JustAnotherLinky xx

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  22. I can imagine how hard this must be for you and your partner, trying to find the balance on who takes the time off work. It's great that your partner managed to for the nursery trip, don't feel guilty about that I'm sure that you have been there for your daughter in so many other ways when it comes to nursery. They'll always be the give and take when it comes to childcare, but you shouldn't feel guilty about that. I hope your daughter had an excellent nursery trip and sports day. Thanks so much for joining us this week at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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    1. she really did. She loved every min of the trip and sports day :)
      Lx

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  23. Oh my god I understand on so many levels. I'm a working Mom and making time is always tough. On top of that I also suffer anxiety. We're doing a good job though ad we have to remind ourselves of that #KCACOLS geraldine over Heaven's hill

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  24. Since moving to the land of the lost over 2 years ago I have searched and searched for just one other person to bond with. I have met many and am also finding that it may just be better to stay an introvert. I don't get anxiety over meeting new people but once their true colors shine it makes me want to run and hide. Thanks so much for linking with #momsterslink :))

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    1. I know what you mean!! Trying to find someone like you is the hardest thing in the world!!
      Lx

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  25. I can totally understand the guilt you're feeling. I have 4 kids and I raised them while working, except my last. You just have to get used to the situation and reason within yourself you're doing your best for your child. Also, take advantage of free periods to bond with your child. The guilt is never going to go away but you can device an effective way to handle it.

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    1. I am and we are doing the best we can do just now :)
      Thanks for the reminder :)
      Lx

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  26. Bless you, I have the exact same feelings! Sounds like you are doing a great job though :) xx

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